SENIOR HUMOR 101.9

20 Aug

Not a Good Day for Duck Hunters

Dustin and Chris decide to go duck hunting in winter on a frozen lake. These two guys bring their guns, a dog, and drive a new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it’s going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don’t want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can. Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??

Let’s talk about the dog: it’s a highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.

The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover under the brand new Navigator truck.

The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.
Then –BOOM– the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this “I can’t believe this happened” look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!! And you thought your day was not going well.

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Grandma’s Visit
“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother’s side). “Now Daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked.
“He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy

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Here’s to all of us born before 1979!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn’t get tested for diabetes.Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes. Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
Cartoon: texting kids        We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren’t overweight.. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing…that’s why! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.. No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo’s and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.
We ate worm and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?

Senior Humor 101.8

28 Jul

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After 50 years of marriage, Kate leaves her husband Danny. Danny lost everything to his X wife, so thinking he’s going insane he takes a little walk through the forest. As he was walking his foot hits a lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says, “I’ll give u 3 wishes, BUT everything you get your wife gets two times as much.Danny wishes for a car and his wife got two times as many cars. Then he wished for a house and his wife got two houses. Then Danny asked the genie to choke him half two death.

In prison, you get three square meals a day.At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest lego creation.In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.

At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.

At home, you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.

At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.

At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.

At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you’re done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.

At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s, and get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.

At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.

At home, you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.

At home….stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?


Once, there was a lawyer. This lawyer had a wife and a little girl who he loved. He made a good living and pretty satisfied with life.He was surprised when his daughter began avoiding him one day. Goodnight kisses stopped. Hug were few and far between. She never sat on her father’s lap and practically refused to listen to bedtime stories from him.The lawyer began to get more than a little frustrated with this behavior and decided to talk to his daughter about it. He brought it up with her.She wouldn’t talk to her father and so she wrote a note to be given to him via her mother.When the lawyer read the note, he was a bit shocked. This is what it read:”Mindy’s dadee sayz that lawyers suk the blood ouwt of aneeone thay come close to. i dont want yu to suk mi blod, so dont come clos to me pleas. thank yu. sophie.”


Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”


DIABETES! Care and Control you can live with it!

28 Jul

Diabetes is a disease that affects the whole family, especially when a child is diagnosed. Whether you’re a parent, sibling or other family member, your support and understanding can make all the difference. Are you worried about medical care and costs, or how to manage diabetes at school? We provide information and resources to help every child and every family adjust to life with diabetes.

It’s not easy to hear you have diabetes. But for millions of Americans, learning about their diabetes is the first step toward feeling better and living a longer, healthier life. Here’s what you need to get started on the path toward improved health and wellbeing.

Take a deep breath.

Preparing your mind for your journey with diabetes is one of the best first steps to take.

Being told you have diabetes, or that there is a problem with your blood sugar level can cause quite a bit of stress — and rightly so.

Diabetes is scary.

Denial, Guilt, Anger

You may have read headlines about what can go wrong or witnessed firsthand the negative effects of uncontrolled diabetes.

Maybe you have been in denial that anything is wrong. That’s OK. Denial protects and buffers you from difficult or shocking information.

Do you feel guilty? Like you caused diabetes?

If so, your first assignment is to stop the blame game and get on your own side.

Anger, too, is a common reaction and is often the first sign that you acknowledge that something is wrong. It is never too late to jumpstart your diabetes self-management program.

The key is to be gentle with yourself because you are your best resource for managing your diabetes.

Diabetes is never convenient, but with some effort and help from the experts, it is manageable. It is important that you acknowledge this. How you perceive this diagnosis will greatly effect how successfully your diabetes is managed.

Learn to Laugh

As strange as it sounds, learning to laugh can help.

Your thoughts and feelings have an enormous impact on your body. Positive thoughts do have positive physical effects.

Humor is a useful tool in helping manage diabetes by adding perspective—not that there is anything funny about having diabetes. But a little humor may help you see from a different perspective. Humor can help you build the confidence to know that you can deal with diabetes. Plus, laughing lowers glucose levels!

Focus on Positives

Let’s focus on something positive about your diabetes diagnosis. Feel free to repeat the following to yourself:

  • “I can follow my dreams and passions.”
  • “Diabetes stinks, but I can manage it.”
  • “I am not alone. Millions of people are dealing with diabetes and thousands of health care professionals are fighting to make a difference in my life and the lives of others.”
  • “The feelings I have about diabetes—be it anger, depression, fear, eagerness to learn, or relief at finding out—are typical. I have the strength to do something about my diabetes.”

You Are More Than Diabetes

Diabetes does not define you; it’s just a small part of your complex being. When it comes to diabetes, your treatment plan starts with being mentally prepared.

Brain Aneurysm can Kill learn the Basic it might save someone you know

15 Jul

What is a brain aneurysm?

Aneurysms are weak areas on the wall of a blood vessel, usually an artery — the type of blood vessel that carries oxygen-rich blood to tissues. Over time, these weak areas on the walls of arteries balloon out causing the blood vessel wall to become even weaker as the aneurysm grows. Occasionally aneurysms can rupture and cause a hemorrhagic stroke,the type of stroke that is caused by bleeding inside the brain. Approximately 8% of all strokes are caused by ruptured aneurysms.

Why do people develop aneurysms?

Little is known about why aneurysms develop in the brains of some people and not in the brains of others. In many cases, aneurysms are inherited through the genes, but high blood pressureand cigarette smoking appear to predispose people to develop aneurysms, too. About 5% of the population in the United States has at least one aneurysm in the brain, but up to 80% of them will never be affected by bleeding in the brain.

Brain aneurysms usually occur at sites where arteries divide into branches. The following arteries in the brain are most likely to have aneurysms:

  • The anterior communicating artery (30%)
  • The posterior communicating artery (25%)
  • The middle cerebral artery (20%)

What are the risk factors for aneurysm bleeding and rupture?

When an aneurysm ruptures, it causes profuse bleeding in the brain leading to a hemorrhagic stroke. In general, aneurysms bleed during situations when blood pressure is high. This can happen even to people who do not suffer from chronic high blood pressure. Episodes of high blood pressure that come and go can develop for many reasons, including:

Aneurysms are also more likely to bleed after they reach a size of more than 10 millimeters, or about a third of an inch.

If I have an aneurysm, will I feel any symptoms?

Very often small aneurysms do not cause any symptoms unless they bleed. Sometimes, however, the growing aneurysm might push against blood vessels or other structures around it as it grows and cause headaches, double vision, or pain around the eyes when you look to the sides. If the aneurysm bleeds, people often feel a “thunderclap headache” they might call the “worst of their lives,” as well as neck pain and stiffness. They might also develop typical stroke symptoms. In some 10% of people with a ruptured aneurysm, bleeding inside the brain is so profuse that they die before ever reaching a hospital.

What happens after an aneurysm ruptures and bleeds?

The prognosis after an aneurysm bleed is variable, depending on the size of the bleed. In general, up to 50% of people with bleeding in the brain die from the complications of the bleeding itself. There is also a very high risk of bleeding again around the time of the first bleed. Up to 4% of people can bleed again within the first 24 hours after the initial episode of bleeding. By the end of the second week after the bleed, they have a 15 to 20% chance of bleeding again.

Learn what Stroke is and how you can prevent it from happening to you!

15 Jul

You have heard the term over and over again but you still wonder: What is stroke anyway? Stroke is a sudden impairment in brain function. One may suffer an inability to speak or speak clearly, walk, or move a limb because blood has stopped flowing to an area of the brain. Usually, this is caused by the blockage, or the rupture, of a blood vessel.

Unlike ministrokes, which are also known as transient ischemic attacks (TIA), whose symptoms resolve on their own in less than 24 hours, strokes leave behind long-lasting neurological impairments. The severity of these impairments depends on how large the damage is to the brain, and on the part of the brain that is affected.

Ministroke/TIA Basics

What Are The Different Types of Stroke?

There are two major categories of stroke: ischemic and hemorrhagic.

Ischemic Stroke

This type of stroke is caused by the physical blockage of blood flow to an area of the brain. The most common forms of ischemic stroke are:

1) Embolic Stroke
This type of stroke occurs when a blood clot or a cholesterol plaque wanders into the brain until it reaches a narrow point where it becomes trapped. This causes a blockage of the artery and prevents blood from reaching a section of the brain. There are other, less frequent causes of embolic strokes which include:

2) Thrombotic Stroke
In this type of stroke a blood clot forms along the inside of a blood vessel causing the interruption of blood flow to an area of the brain. Such a blood clot, also known as a thrombus, usually affects very small blood vessels in the brain, especially in people who have high cholesterol.

High Cholesterol Basics

Because small blood vessels in the brain bring blood to proportionally small brain areas, thrombotic strokes tend to be small, and are sometimes referred to as lacunar strokes. In some rare instances, however, a large blood clot can form inside of one the large blood vessels in the neck, and later break off causing a large embolic stroke.

Hemorrhagic Stroke

This type of stroke occurs when a blood vessel inside of the brain ruptures, allowing blood to pool inside or around healthy brain tissue. In many cases this is the result of uncontrolled high blood pressure.

High Blood Pressure Basics

Depending on the location of bleeding, a hemorrhagic stroke is further subdivided into

  • Intracerebral Hemorrhage: Bleeding takes place inside the brain tissue.
  • Subarachnoid Hemorrhage: Bleeding takes place along a space between two of the membranes that cover the brain.
  • Intraventricular Hemorrhage: Bleeding takes place inside the ventricles of the brain, which do not contain brain tissue, but instead are filled with a fluid known as cerebro-spinal fluid. Blood inside the ventricles rarely causes a stroke by itself, but it has the potential to cause hydrocephalus a condition in which elevated intracraneal pressure can cause stroke and even death.
  • Subdural Hemorrhage: Bleeding takes place outside of the brain tissue near the skull.

Hemorrhagic strokes are most often caused by a ruptured blood vessel such as an aneurysm or a leaky arteriovenous malformation (AVM). Blood inside the brain produces a very severe headache, which is typically described by people as the worst headache of their lives.

As blood accumulates in the brain, the normal brain tissues are pushed against the walls of the skull. This process increases the pressure inside the brain, to the point that blood flow to the areas of highest pressure is completely interrupted. These areas cease to function, and cause symptoms which can range from dizziness, nausea and vomiting to a headache accompanied by typical stroke symptoms. Hemorrhagic stroke symptoms should never be ignored as very often they can evolve rapidly and in the worse cases they can lead to sudden death.

Senior Humor 101.7

26 May

I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN

I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts till 8 p.m.
I’m very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.
I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you are saying.
I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I’m so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care . . .
I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
I’m wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that’s just my left leg.
I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I’m anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory . .
I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors . . .Absolutely nothing!
I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I’m in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP. . .
I’m wondering . . If you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I’m supporting all movements now . . .by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
I’m a walking storeroom of facts . . . I’ve just lost the storeroom.

HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLD

  • Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
  • The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
  • You feel like the morning after and you haven’t been anywhere.
  • Your little black book contains names only ending in M.D.
  • Your children begin to look middle age.
  • You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it’s leaning against the wrong wall.
  • Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
  • A dripping faucet causes and uncontrollable bladder urge.
  • You look forward to a dull evening.
  • Your favorite part of the newspaper is “20 Years Ago Today.”
  • You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
  • You sit in the rocking chair and can’t get it going.
  • You knees buckle and your belt won’t.
  • You regret all those mistakes you made resisting tempations.
  • You’re 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • Your pacemaker makes the garge door open when you see a pretty girl.
  • The little old grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
  • You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
  • You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
  • You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions

Senior Humor 101.6

24 May

DEFINITIONS

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
  
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
 

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.

TOP CARE FOR ELDERLY

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital 


 “How are you grandpa?” He asks


 “Feeling fine” says the old man


 What’s the food like?


 
“Terrific, wonderful menus”


 “And the nursing?”


 “Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you”


 “What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?”


 “No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that’s it. I go out like a light.”


 The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.


 “What are you people doing” he says. “I’m told you’re giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”


 “Oh, yes” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well”.

 “The chocolate makes him sleep,

and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed”.