Archive | April, 2011

Senior Humor 101.3

13 Apr

The Insemination Man is coming

Mary, a blonde city girl, marries an older New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, old farmer John says to Mary, ‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’

So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Mary takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, ‘This is the one… right here.’ Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy old blonde gal, the man asks, ‘Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?’

That’s simple. By the nail over its stall’, Mary explains very
confidently. Then the man asks, ‘What’s the nail for?’ She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,
‘I guess it’s to hang your trousers on.’

A old married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, “Why are you taking off your clothes?” His wife replies, “You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.” The husband says, “No, not at all.” His wife asks angrily, “Well, what the hell were you doing then?” “I was just wetting my finger so I could turn the pages.”

Moose Hunting Paddy & Mick, two retired old geezers, flew to Canada for an adventure. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week of hunting moose. They managed to bag a total of 6. Loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two old timers objected strongly. “Last year we shot 6. The pilot let us take them all, and he had exactly the same plane as yours.” Reluctantly the pilot gave in and all 6 were loaded. The plane took off. However while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down. Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,” Any idea where we are?” Mick replied, ” I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

Wise Old Lady A young guy with a great built found himself unemployed… But he had to pay the rent, buy food and pay bills… so he decided to put a sign outside the door of his apartment which read: IN BED $100, ON THE COUCH $50, ON THE FLOOR $25. Not long after that, an old woman walks by his door. She stops to read the sign, gets all excited and then rushes back home. She breaks open her piggy bank and takes the little savings she had. With the money in her hand she heads for the young man’s apartment. Knock knock… The young man opens the door and the old lady hands him the money. He gives her a passionate kiss and after counting the money tells her: “It’s $100, so you want to do it in bed?” “Don’t be so naive young man” she replied, “I wanna do it 4 times on the floor!!”


Senior Humor One on One – The Joy of Sharing

6 Apr

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

“Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?

She answered, “The teeth.”

8 of 10 Americans know someone unemployed

6 Apr

Nearly two years after the recession formally ended, 81% of Americans say they know someone who is unemployed and looking for a job, according to a Rasmussen Reports survey.

That’s up from 76% last October who said they knew a laid-off worker. Only 13% of the 1,000 people polled March 24-26 didn’t know anyone out of work.

Unemployment and underemployment have hit younger Americans harder with those ages 18-29 more likely to know someone out of work and looking than their elders.

Despite the fact the U.S. job market is beginning to show of signs life — employers hired a net 216,000 in March more than three times the 68,000 added to payrolls in January — those Rasmussen polled were a decidedly pessimistic bunch.

While 44% of those surveyed think the job market is about the same as it was this time last year — which admittedly wasn’t that great — 36% say it’s worse. Only 16% believe the employment outlook is better now than a year ago, down eight points in just two months.

Why so glum? Rising gas and food prices; the Japanese earthquake, tsunami and nuclear crisis; and continued turmoil in the Middle East all have put a damper on the American mood.

Sex After Sixty Keeping the Romance Alive

5 Apr
One of the myths of aging is that a satisfying and enjoyable sex life after 60 is not possible. As with most myths, this one too has been disproved. The truth is that many seniors are enjoying sex and sexuality more now than ever. Recent advances in medications, along with improved nutrition and healthcare are helping to keep sexual relationships strong.I spoke with Gwen (not her real name) a younger senior who is single, having divorced a few years ago. She has a grown son and just lost her mother this past summer. We discussed sex after sixty and she spoke with me about a subject that is sometimes difficult to discuss.

While not presently involved in a relationship she said she would enjoy an intimate relationship with a man she loved. Her observation was that although sex was “nice” it was not the most important part of a relationship to her. She misses the closeness of a loving relationship with a partner, a simple hug, a kiss on the cheek, and the intimacy too. As she said “When one is young, love and lust have an urgency and sometimes feel like the most important part of a relationship. As you get older the sexual act becomes more comfortable, less urgent but in many ways more passionate. You don’t worry about pregnancy, or such things you just enjoy the closeness with another human being”.

She talked some about her parents. They were married over 57 years when her father died 5 years ago. She lost her mother this past summer. She is certain they had a good sex life in those 57 years. She said the worst part for her mother after her father’s death was at night. Her mother had trouble sleeping after losing the partner who had shared her bed all those years. The nighttime hours were when they had always been closest and the loss of that closeness was the hardest to deal with.

Keeping Romance Alive

  • Eat a nutritious diet. The senior who eats well has more energy for any activity.
  • Stay active and agile with exercise. Keeping up with a fitness program will help to improve you flexibility and self-esteem. Sex will be enjoyable and can even be more adventurous if you are fit.
  • Enhance the mood if needed. Men with erectile dysfunction have many options open to treat this and should talk to their doctor. Surgical procedures, vacuum devises and medications are available. For women who suffer from vaginal dryness and discomfort during intercourse a quick trip to the drug store can solve that problem. A water-based lubricant is usually effective and is available over the counter.
  • If acheiving or maintaining an errection is a problem for the male partner in the relationship a visit to his doctor may be advisable. He can be checked for medical conditions that may cause erectile dysfunction. If there is a problem the doctor may prescribe a medication or treatment that can help.


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3 Apr

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