Archive | May, 2011

Senior Humor 101.7

26 May

I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN

I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts till 8 p.m.
I’m very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.
I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you are saying.
I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I’m so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care . . .
I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
I’m wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that’s just my left leg.
I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I’m anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory . .
I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors . . .Absolutely nothing!
I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I’m in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP. . .
I’m wondering . . If you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I’m supporting all movements now . . .by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
I’m a walking storeroom of facts . . . I’ve just lost the storeroom.

HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLD

  • Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
  • The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
  • You feel like the morning after and you haven’t been anywhere.
  • Your little black book contains names only ending in M.D.
  • Your children begin to look middle age.
  • You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it’s leaning against the wrong wall.
  • Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
  • A dripping faucet causes and uncontrollable bladder urge.
  • You look forward to a dull evening.
  • Your favorite part of the newspaper is “20 Years Ago Today.”
  • You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
  • You sit in the rocking chair and can’t get it going.
  • You knees buckle and your belt won’t.
  • You regret all those mistakes you made resisting tempations.
  • You’re 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • Your pacemaker makes the garge door open when you see a pretty girl.
  • The little old grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
  • You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
  • You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
  • You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions

Senior Humor 101.6

24 May

DEFINITIONS

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
  
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
 

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.

TOP CARE FOR ELDERLY

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital 


 “How are you grandpa?” He asks


 “Feeling fine” says the old man


 What’s the food like?


 
“Terrific, wonderful menus”


 “And the nursing?”


 “Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you”


 “What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?”


 “No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that’s it. I go out like a light.”


 The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.


 “What are you people doing” he says. “I’m told you’re giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”


 “Oh, yes” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well”.

 “The chocolate makes him sleep,

and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed”.


How Caregivers Can Keep Their Cool During Difficult Financial Times

19 May

If you’re a caregiver for someone with Alzheimer’s disease or another dementia, it’s natural to be concerned about America’s financial crisis. You’re not alone in wondering how you’ll continue to be able to afford Alzheimer’s care and handle other regular expenses.

According to Ellen Rogin, president of the financial planning company Strategic Financial Designs in Northfield, Illinois, caregivers can still keep their cool during difficult financial times. She spoke with Denise Brown on her radio show, Your Caregiving Journey. Here are her suggestions:

  • Unclutter your mind by uncluttering your financial records.Rogin says that having all your paperwork organized can reduce stress and give you a sense of control over your finances. If you are responsible for your relative’s finances, make sure you have lists of your loved one’s assets, accounts, and contact information for any financial advisers. 
  • Avoid information overload.Rogin explains that it’s good to be informed. But during a national or global financial crisis, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by information being thrown at us on television, in the papers, and online. Find a balance between staying informed and becoming bogged down with negative information. 
  • Devise a plan.If you haven’t yet sat down and thought through how to pay for Alzheimer’s care, this is the time to do it. Bring in a professional if your relative doesn’t already have a financial adviser. It’s also a good idea to hold a family meeting — whether in person or through long-distance technology — if you share responsibility for your loved one’s care with other family members. 
  • Manage your belief system. Rogin attests that our beliefs about our financial abilities affect our financial decisions. If we keep telling ourselves that we’re bad with money, we’re more likely to make poor financial choices. On the other hand, if we focus on strengths, such as our diligence and our ability to be organized and ask the right questions, we’re more likely to make good decisions that will increase our chances of being able to manage expenses for Alzheimer’s care.

Senior Humor 101.5

19 May

30 LINES TO MAKE YOU LAUGH

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile! because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

HEAVEN & HELL

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.
 
 His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
 
 ”Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
 
 ”No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator.
 
 ”Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
 
 ”Really?, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the Senator.
 
 ”I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
 
 And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
 
 The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
 
 Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
 
 They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
 
 Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
 
 They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
 
 Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…
 
 The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven..”
 
 So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
 
 ”Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
 
 The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
 
 So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell..
 
 Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
 
 The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
 
 ”I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
 
 The devil smiles at him and says,
 
 ”Yesterday we were campaigning …
 
  Today, you voted..”

Senior Humor 101.4

3 May

DONT MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE:

Last Thursday night, an elderly woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse. The following Monday morning, the old lady was called in front of the arraignment judge, sworn in, and asked to explain her actions. The woman replied, “Your Honor, I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home. I had just cashed my social security check at the bank earlier in the day. I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol that my late husband gave me for protection, that was in my purse, that was hung over my left shoulder. All of a sudden I was being spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse. I looked down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol. The next thing I remember is saying out loud, “No way punk! You’re not stealing my money.” “I raised my right shaking hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol 6 times!” When asked by the arraignment judge, “Why did you shoot the man 6 times?” The woman replied, under oath, “Because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click.” The woman was acquitted of all charges. Don’t mess with old folks ya hear.

LUBRICATION ANYONE ?

A old married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, “Why are you taking off your clothes?” His wife replies, “You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.” The husband says, “No, not at all.” His wife asks angrily, “Well, what the hell were you doing then?” “I was just wetting my finger so I could turn the pages.”

Seniors can Benefit on Pet Adoption

3 May
There’s no question that pet adoption can be good for some seniors.The benefits are well-documented:

  • Lower blood pressure
  • Reduced cardiovascular disease
  • Reduced feelings of stress
  • Lower cholesterol levels
  • improved overall health means fewer doctor appointments
  • Increased sense of responsibility and alertness
  • Reduced sense of loneliness
  • Increased activity during the day
  • Increased fun!

Sounds great, doesn’t it? But before you rush out and buy that dog, cat, or ferret, make sure you are making the right pet adoption decision.

Things to Consider About Pet Adoption for Seniors

  • Don’t surprise anyone with pet adoption. Ever. No matter how wonderful the animal is, pet ownership is a big responsibility. The American Humane Society encourages people not to purchase pets as a surprise, so discuss pet adoption and pet ownership with the senior before you acquire the animal.
  • Let the person choose his or her own pet.You may love Beagles, but your grandmother might want a quieter dog. And while your grandfather says he would love to have a cat, perhaps grooming a long-haired cat isn’t what he had in mind.Pet adoption is sort of like dating…there has to be some chemistry or it won’t work.
  • Consider the senior’s lifestyle. Does the older person enjoy going for walks? If not, then a dog would not be a good choice. This is another reason to discuss pet ownership before going ahead with the pet adoption.
  • Consider an older animal. A mature animal is likely to be calmer, which may be a good fit for a senior. Check out your local Humane Society, animal shelter or Purebred Rescue group for wonderful, loving and more mature companions.
  • Consider the senior’s health. Having a larger dog requires more physical strength and agility to handle it, so talk about which type and size of pet would result in the most successful pet adoption.
  • Who will care for the animal if its owner gets sick? Be prepared for this by making a plan for someone to care for the animal if the owner becomes incapacitated.
  • Can the senior afford food and veterinary care?The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has calculated the following average annual costs of pet adoption, including food, toys, treats, medical care and licensing, if required:
    • Fish: $20 (plus a fish bowl or aquarium, which ranges from $20 to $200)
    • A small bird: $120
    • Cat: $575 (plus the litter box and kitty litter
    • Medium-sized dog: $620
    • Rabbit: $691
    • Large dog: $780

    And don’t forget that additional supplies like dog crates, pet cages, and training can add an additional $75 to $400.

    These are average costs for pet adoptions, but pet owners will tell you that the costs can go much higher if there are unexpected medical problems…or if you like to buy exotic toys for your pet. Make sure the new owner can afford to care for the animal, or make additional arrangement to help pay for pet care.

    Senior and Pet Adoption: Consider All of the Options
    Seniors and pets can make a great combination, but pet adoption brings big responsibilities along with the joy. To find the best fit, make sure you consider all of the options before making a decision about pet adoption.