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SENIOR HUMOR 101.9

20 Aug

Not a Good Day for Duck Hunters

Dustin and Chris decide to go duck hunting in winter on a frozen lake. These two guys bring their guns, a dog, and drive a new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it’s going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don’t want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can. Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??

Let’s talk about the dog: it’s a highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.

The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover under the brand new Navigator truck.

The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.
Then –BOOM– the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this “I can’t believe this happened” look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!! And you thought your day was not going well.

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Grandma’s Visit
“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother’s side). “Now Daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked.
“He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy

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Here’s to all of us born before 1979!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn’t get tested for diabetes.Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes. Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
Cartoon: texting kids        We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren’t overweight.. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing…that’s why! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.. No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo’s and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.
We ate worm and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?

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Learn what Stroke is and how you can prevent it from happening to you!

15 Jul

You have heard the term over and over again but you still wonder: What is stroke anyway? Stroke is a sudden impairment in brain function. One may suffer an inability to speak or speak clearly, walk, or move a limb because blood has stopped flowing to an area of the brain. Usually, this is caused by the blockage, or the rupture, of a blood vessel.

Unlike ministrokes, which are also known as transient ischemic attacks (TIA), whose symptoms resolve on their own in less than 24 hours, strokes leave behind long-lasting neurological impairments. The severity of these impairments depends on how large the damage is to the brain, and on the part of the brain that is affected.

Ministroke/TIA Basics

What Are The Different Types of Stroke?

There are two major categories of stroke: ischemic and hemorrhagic.

Ischemic Stroke

This type of stroke is caused by the physical blockage of blood flow to an area of the brain. The most common forms of ischemic stroke are:

1) Embolic Stroke
This type of stroke occurs when a blood clot or a cholesterol plaque wanders into the brain until it reaches a narrow point where it becomes trapped. This causes a blockage of the artery and prevents blood from reaching a section of the brain. There are other, less frequent causes of embolic strokes which include:

2) Thrombotic Stroke
In this type of stroke a blood clot forms along the inside of a blood vessel causing the interruption of blood flow to an area of the brain. Such a blood clot, also known as a thrombus, usually affects very small blood vessels in the brain, especially in people who have high cholesterol.

High Cholesterol Basics

Because small blood vessels in the brain bring blood to proportionally small brain areas, thrombotic strokes tend to be small, and are sometimes referred to as lacunar strokes. In some rare instances, however, a large blood clot can form inside of one the large blood vessels in the neck, and later break off causing a large embolic stroke.

Hemorrhagic Stroke

This type of stroke occurs when a blood vessel inside of the brain ruptures, allowing blood to pool inside or around healthy brain tissue. In many cases this is the result of uncontrolled high blood pressure.

High Blood Pressure Basics

Depending on the location of bleeding, a hemorrhagic stroke is further subdivided into

  • Intracerebral Hemorrhage: Bleeding takes place inside the brain tissue.
  • Subarachnoid Hemorrhage: Bleeding takes place along a space between two of the membranes that cover the brain.
  • Intraventricular Hemorrhage: Bleeding takes place inside the ventricles of the brain, which do not contain brain tissue, but instead are filled with a fluid known as cerebro-spinal fluid. Blood inside the ventricles rarely causes a stroke by itself, but it has the potential to cause hydrocephalus a condition in which elevated intracraneal pressure can cause stroke and even death.
  • Subdural Hemorrhage: Bleeding takes place outside of the brain tissue near the skull.

Hemorrhagic strokes are most often caused by a ruptured blood vessel such as an aneurysm or a leaky arteriovenous malformation (AVM). Blood inside the brain produces a very severe headache, which is typically described by people as the worst headache of their lives.

As blood accumulates in the brain, the normal brain tissues are pushed against the walls of the skull. This process increases the pressure inside the brain, to the point that blood flow to the areas of highest pressure is completely interrupted. These areas cease to function, and cause symptoms which can range from dizziness, nausea and vomiting to a headache accompanied by typical stroke symptoms. Hemorrhagic stroke symptoms should never be ignored as very often they can evolve rapidly and in the worse cases they can lead to sudden death.

Seniors can Benefit on Pet Adoption

3 May
There’s no question that pet adoption can be good for some seniors.The benefits are well-documented:

  • Lower blood pressure
  • Reduced cardiovascular disease
  • Reduced feelings of stress
  • Lower cholesterol levels
  • improved overall health means fewer doctor appointments
  • Increased sense of responsibility and alertness
  • Reduced sense of loneliness
  • Increased activity during the day
  • Increased fun!

Sounds great, doesn’t it? But before you rush out and buy that dog, cat, or ferret, make sure you are making the right pet adoption decision.

Things to Consider About Pet Adoption for Seniors

  • Don’t surprise anyone with pet adoption. Ever. No matter how wonderful the animal is, pet ownership is a big responsibility. The American Humane Society encourages people not to purchase pets as a surprise, so discuss pet adoption and pet ownership with the senior before you acquire the animal.
  • Let the person choose his or her own pet.You may love Beagles, but your grandmother might want a quieter dog. And while your grandfather says he would love to have a cat, perhaps grooming a long-haired cat isn’t what he had in mind.Pet adoption is sort of like dating…there has to be some chemistry or it won’t work.
  • Consider the senior’s lifestyle. Does the older person enjoy going for walks? If not, then a dog would not be a good choice. This is another reason to discuss pet ownership before going ahead with the pet adoption.
  • Consider an older animal. A mature animal is likely to be calmer, which may be a good fit for a senior. Check out your local Humane Society, animal shelter or Purebred Rescue group for wonderful, loving and more mature companions.
  • Consider the senior’s health. Having a larger dog requires more physical strength and agility to handle it, so talk about which type and size of pet would result in the most successful pet adoption.
  • Who will care for the animal if its owner gets sick? Be prepared for this by making a plan for someone to care for the animal if the owner becomes incapacitated.
  • Can the senior afford food and veterinary care?The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has calculated the following average annual costs of pet adoption, including food, toys, treats, medical care and licensing, if required:
    • Fish: $20 (plus a fish bowl or aquarium, which ranges from $20 to $200)
    • A small bird: $120
    • Cat: $575 (plus the litter box and kitty litter
    • Medium-sized dog: $620
    • Rabbit: $691
    • Large dog: $780

    And don’t forget that additional supplies like dog crates, pet cages, and training can add an additional $75 to $400.

    These are average costs for pet adoptions, but pet owners will tell you that the costs can go much higher if there are unexpected medical problems…or if you like to buy exotic toys for your pet. Make sure the new owner can afford to care for the animal, or make additional arrangement to help pay for pet care.

    Senior and Pet Adoption: Consider All of the Options
    Seniors and pets can make a great combination, but pet adoption brings big responsibilities along with the joy. To find the best fit, make sure you consider all of the options before making a decision about pet adoption.

Sex After Sixty Keeping the Romance Alive

5 Apr
One of the myths of aging is that a satisfying and enjoyable sex life after 60 is not possible. As with most myths, this one too has been disproved. The truth is that many seniors are enjoying sex and sexuality more now than ever. Recent advances in medications, along with improved nutrition and healthcare are helping to keep sexual relationships strong.I spoke with Gwen (not her real name) a younger senior who is single, having divorced a few years ago. She has a grown son and just lost her mother this past summer. We discussed sex after sixty and she spoke with me about a subject that is sometimes difficult to discuss.

While not presently involved in a relationship she said she would enjoy an intimate relationship with a man she loved. Her observation was that although sex was “nice” it was not the most important part of a relationship to her. She misses the closeness of a loving relationship with a partner, a simple hug, a kiss on the cheek, and the intimacy too. As she said “When one is young, love and lust have an urgency and sometimes feel like the most important part of a relationship. As you get older the sexual act becomes more comfortable, less urgent but in many ways more passionate. You don’t worry about pregnancy, or such things you just enjoy the closeness with another human being”.

She talked some about her parents. They were married over 57 years when her father died 5 years ago. She lost her mother this past summer. She is certain they had a good sex life in those 57 years. She said the worst part for her mother after her father’s death was at night. Her mother had trouble sleeping after losing the partner who had shared her bed all those years. The nighttime hours were when they had always been closest and the loss of that closeness was the hardest to deal with.

Keeping Romance Alive

  • Eat a nutritious diet. The senior who eats well has more energy for any activity.
  • Stay active and agile with exercise. Keeping up with a fitness program will help to improve you flexibility and self-esteem. Sex will be enjoyable and can even be more adventurous if you are fit.
  • Enhance the mood if needed. Men with erectile dysfunction have many options open to treat this and should talk to their doctor. Surgical procedures, vacuum devises and medications are available. For women who suffer from vaginal dryness and discomfort during intercourse a quick trip to the drug store can solve that problem. A water-based lubricant is usually effective and is available over the counter.
  • If acheiving or maintaining an errection is a problem for the male partner in the relationship a visit to his doctor may be advisable. He can be checked for medical conditions that may cause erectile dysfunction. If there is a problem the doctor may prescribe a medication or treatment that can help.

FOR HELP WITH ERECTILE PROBLEMS PLEASE VISIT THIS SITE BY CLICKING THE LINK BELOW

10 Ways to Way up Beautiful

28 Mar

1. Get an Early Start
Make a habit of washing your face a few hours before bed. If you wait until you’re tired, you’re more likely to blow it off — allowing “toxins and dirt to stay on there all night,” says dermatologist Laurie Polis of N.Y.C. Another consequence? You miss the best time to treat your skin. “At night there’s more blood flow to the skin’s surface, and there’s nothing else on your face to interfere with absorption,” Polis says.

Try: Neutrogena Deep Clean Relaxing nightly cleanser, $7; at drugstores.

2. Sleep on Your Back
Note to Audrey Hepburn fans: Lying on your stomach is bad for “beauty sleep.” The average head weighs 7 to 8 pounds — a lot of pressure to be putting on your face every night. In fact, many dermatologists say they can tell what side of the face people sleep on by the number of wrinkles there.

3. Get a Lift
Sleep with your head elevated on two pillows, or put the headrest area of your bed on 2- to 4-inch pieces of wood. Gravity helps lymph and blood flow so fluid won’t accumulate, Polis says.

4. Save Money, Not Wrinkles

At night you don’t need to worry about eye treatments smearing your makeup, so slather on the richest formula you can. Polis swears by Aquaphor: “It conditions lashes and hydrates the delicate eye skin really well.”

Try: Aquaphor Healing ointment, $9; drugstore.com.

5. Sneak a Glow
Mix a drop of self-tanner into your night cream or use a cream that contains a bit of tan-producing DHA.

Try: Clarins Radiance-Plus self-tanning cream, $52; clarinsusa.com.

6. Avoid Carb Face
To wake with defined cheekbones, eat a high-protein, low-sugar dinner (try salmon and asparagus, a natural diuretic). Skip the rice, pasta and potatoes. “When our diet’s high in glycemic carbohydrates, our features take on a soft, doughy appearance,” says Connecticut dermatologist Nicholas Perricone.

7. Wrap It Up
To minimize A.M. frizz, sleep on a satin pillowcase or put your hair in a silk scarf. “Those fabrics are much softer than cotton, so there’s less friction,” says Harry Josh, a John Frieda stylist.

8. Find Your Inner Ballerina
Pile hair into a twist on the top of your head (use a scrunchie to avoid crimping). “In the morning you’ll have major volume and beautiful waves,” Josh says.

9. Turn on the Hair Conditioning
Sleep with a moisturizing treatment in damp hair overnight. We like Philip B. Katira Hair Masque, but any rich conditioner will do. Rinse in the morning.

Try: Philip B. Katira Hair Masque, $40; philipb.com.

10. Pop a Rooster Pill
Trust us, we were skeptical. But after swallowing two Wake Up on Time pills at 11 P.M., we found it much easier to get out of bed seven hours later. Created by a sleep-deprived single mother, the pills contain an energizing blend of thiamin, riboflavin, niacin, vitamins B6 and B12 and guarana-seed extract. It’s formulated with a coating that releases ingredients into your bloodstream toward the end of your last sleep cycle, so you wake up feeling clear-headed, not fuzzy.