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SENIOR HUMOR 101.9

20 Aug

Not a Good Day for Duck Hunters

Dustin and Chris decide to go duck hunting in winter on a frozen lake. These two guys bring their guns, a dog, and drive a new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it’s going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don’t want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can. Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??

Let’s talk about the dog: it’s a highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.

The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover under the brand new Navigator truck.

The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.
Then –BOOM– the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this “I can’t believe this happened” look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!! And you thought your day was not going well.

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Grandma’s Visit
“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother’s side). “Now Daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked.
“He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy

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Here’s to all of us born before 1979!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn’t get tested for diabetes.Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes. Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
Cartoon: texting kids        We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren’t overweight.. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing…that’s why! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.. No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo’s and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.
We ate worm and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?

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Senior Humor 101.3

13 Apr

The Insemination Man is coming

Mary, a blonde city girl, marries an older New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, old farmer John says to Mary, ‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’

So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Mary takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, ‘This is the one… right here.’ Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy old blonde gal, the man asks, ‘Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?’

That’s simple. By the nail over its stall’, Mary explains very
confidently. Then the man asks, ‘What’s the nail for?’ She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,
‘I guess it’s to hang your trousers on.’

A old married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, “Why are you taking off your clothes?” His wife replies, “You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.” The husband says, “No, not at all.” His wife asks angrily, “Well, what the hell were you doing then?” “I was just wetting my finger so I could turn the pages.”

Moose Hunting Paddy & Mick, two retired old geezers, flew to Canada for an adventure. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week of hunting moose. They managed to bag a total of 6. Loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two old timers objected strongly. “Last year we shot 6. The pilot let us take them all, and he had exactly the same plane as yours.” Reluctantly the pilot gave in and all 6 were loaded. The plane took off. However while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down. Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,” Any idea where we are?” Mick replied, ” I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

Wise Old Lady A young guy with a great built found himself unemployed… But he had to pay the rent, buy food and pay bills… so he decided to put a sign outside the door of his apartment which read: IN BED $100, ON THE COUCH $50, ON THE FLOOR $25. Not long after that, an old woman walks by his door. She stops to read the sign, gets all excited and then rushes back home. She breaks open her piggy bank and takes the little savings she had. With the money in her hand she heads for the young man’s apartment. Knock knock… The young man opens the door and the old lady hands him the money. He gives her a passionate kiss and after counting the money tells her: “It’s $100, so you want to do it in bed?” “Don’t be so naive young man” she replied, “I wanna do it 4 times on the floor!!”