Senior Humor 101.7

I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN

I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts till 8 p.m.
I’m very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.
I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you are saying.
I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I’m so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care . . .
I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
I’m wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that’s just my left leg.
I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I’m anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory . .
I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors . . .Absolutely nothing!
I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I’m in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP. . .
I’m wondering . . If you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I’m supporting all movements now . . .by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
I’m a walking storeroom of facts . . . I’ve just lost the storeroom.

HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLD

• Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
• The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You feel like the morning after and you haven’t been anywhere.
• Your little black book contains names only ending in M.D.
• Your children begin to look middle age.
• You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it’s leaning against the wrong wall.
• Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
• A dripping faucet causes and uncontrollable bladder urge.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is “20 Years Ago Today.”
• You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
• You sit in the rocking chair and can’t get it going.
• You knees buckle and your belt won’t.
• You regret all those mistakes you made resisting tempations.
• You’re 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• Your pacemaker makes the garge door open when you see a pretty girl.
• The little old grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
• You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions

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Senior Humor 101.6

DEFINITIONS

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
  
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
 

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.

TOP CARE FOR ELDERLY

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital 

 “How are you grandpa?” He asks

 “Feeling fine” says the old man

 What’s the food like?

 “Terrific, wonderful menus”

 “And the nursing?”

 “Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you”

 “What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?”

 “No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that’s it. I go out like a light.”

 The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

 “What are you people doing” he says. “I’m told you’re giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”

 “Oh, yes” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well”.

 “The chocolate makes him sleep,

and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed”.

Senior Humor 101.3

The Insemination Man is coming

Mary, a blonde city girl, marries an older New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, old farmer John says to Mary, ‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’ So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Mary takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, ‘This is the one… right here.’ Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy old blonde gal, the man asks, ‘Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?’ That’s simple. By the nail over its stall’, Mary explains very confidently. Then the man asks, ‘What’s the nail for?’ She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ‘I guess it’s to hang your trousers on.’

A old married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, “Why are you taking off your clothes?” His wife replies, “You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.” The husband says, “No, not at all.” His wife asks angrily, “Well, what the hell were you doing then?” “I was just wetting my finger so I could turn the pages.”

Moose Hunting Paddy & Mick, two retired old geezers, flew to Canada for an adventure. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week of hunting moose. They managed to bag a total of 6. Loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two old timers objected strongly. “Last year we shot 6. The pilot let us take them all, and he had exactly the same plane as yours.” Reluctantly the pilot gave in and all 6 were loaded. The plane took off. However while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down. Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,” Any idea where we are?” Mick replied, ” I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

Wise Old Lady A young guy with a great built found himself unemployed… But he had to pay the rent, buy food and pay bills… so he decided to put a sign outside the door of his apartment which read: IN BED $100, ON THE COUCH $50, ON THE FLOOR $25. Not long after that, an old woman walks by his door. She stops to read the sign, gets all excited and then rushes back home. She breaks open her piggy bank and takes the little savings she had. With the money in her hand she heads for the young man’s apartment. Knock knock… The young man opens the door and the old lady hands him the money. He gives her a passionate kiss and after counting the money tells her: “It’s $100, so you want to do it in bed?” “Don’t be so naive young man” she replied, “I wanna do it 4 times on the floor!!”