Tag Archives: GREEN

Senior Humor 101.7

26 May

I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN

I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts till 8 p.m.
I’m very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.
I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you are saying.
I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I’m so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care . . .
I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
I’m wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that’s just my left leg.
I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I’m anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory . .
I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors . . .Absolutely nothing!
I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I’m in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP. . .
I’m wondering . . If you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I’m supporting all movements now . . .by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
I’m a walking storeroom of facts . . . I’ve just lost the storeroom.

HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLD

  • Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
  • The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
  • You feel like the morning after and you haven’t been anywhere.
  • Your little black book contains names only ending in M.D.
  • Your children begin to look middle age.
  • You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it’s leaning against the wrong wall.
  • Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
  • A dripping faucet causes and uncontrollable bladder urge.
  • You look forward to a dull evening.
  • Your favorite part of the newspaper is “20 Years Ago Today.”
  • You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
  • You sit in the rocking chair and can’t get it going.
  • You knees buckle and your belt won’t.
  • You regret all those mistakes you made resisting tempations.
  • You’re 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • Your pacemaker makes the garge door open when you see a pretty girl.
  • The little old grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
  • You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
  • You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
  • You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions
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