Tag Archives: smiles

Senior Humor 101.5

19 May

30 LINES TO MAKE YOU LAUGH

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile! because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

HEAVEN & HELL

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.
 
 His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
 
 ”Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
 
 ”No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator.
 
 ”Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
 
 ”Really?, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the Senator.
 
 ”I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
 
 And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
 
 The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
 
 Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
 
 They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
 
 Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
 
 They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
 
 Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…
 
 The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven..”
 
 So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
 
 ”Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
 
 The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
 
 So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell..
 
 Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
 
 The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
 
 ”I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
 
 The devil smiles at him and says,
 
 ”Yesterday we were campaigning …
 
  Today, you voted..”

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